Susan’s satire…

SATIRE: (noun) The use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary topical or political issues.

Daughter Susan

Daughter Susan is puzzled by the attitudes of some U.S. citizens in the midst of the horrifying number of COVID:19 cases in their country. She wrote and shared this satire with me and I’m sharing it with you.

Hi Maughm: A little satire for you, inspired by thinking about people who refuse to wear masks in public…

‘I love America and I love Freedom. I don’t believe that the government has a right to tell me what to do and what not to do. I am completely capable of making my own decisions regarding what is good for me and for those around me. If you don’t like it, well, you don’t love this country and you’re a damn Socialist so you should go live in China.

I enjoy shooting guns in the air

Some people try to tell me not to do the things it is my god-given right to do. For example, I really enjoy shooting guns into the air. Sure, the bullets might hurt some people now and again as they come down, but they’re unlikely to die. Besides, more people die each year from the flu than from people firing bullets into the air, so why worry? If some stupid sheeple who love Big Government breathing down their necks are scared of my shooting, they can just choose to stay home.

People also often object to my choice to drink

Seat belts — never wear one

before and while driving. That is just ridiculous! Yeah, some drunk drivers might hit and kill people, but more people die each year from the flu than from drunk drivers, so why should I be denied this enjoyable activity? And don’t get me started on seat belts — never wear one, never would, even when I’m sober.

I also don’t want my kids wearing seatbelts. I’m raising them to be strong, independent Americans, and they need to understand how valuable our freedoms are. You force someone to wear a seat belt, the next thing you know they’re calling you comrade and forcing you into a health care program that allows everyone to get treatment when they need it without losing their home from the bills. That is just un-American!

Speaking of my kids, I also don’t buy into that government regulation crap about kids needing to be 16 to drive. My kids might not be able to see over the steering wheel yet, but that’s no reason to deprive them of their freedoms. They’ll probably only hit the old people who can’t get out of the way fast enough, or those slowed down by pre-existing health conditions, so who cares? Besides, the idea that young children are too immature to drive responsibly is a hoax the Democrats thought up to hurt our beloved president. All those statistics and articles in the media about young drivers killing people are FAKE NEWS!’

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Butts on the sidewalk

Susan added the hat to a photo of me for my 60th birthday. I’m now celebrating my 80th. Imagine…

A local mayor recently suggested instituting a deposit on cigarettes to be refunded when the butts are returned, just like a glass milk bottle. His concern is environmental. Apparently the butts contain chemicals which are extremely harmful and there are just too many on our streets, which then end up in our waterways. Perhaps this is a result of smokers now being limited to where they can smoke — it isn’t yet against the law to smoke on the street.

How come I don’t have any friends who smoke anymore and there are still so many cigarette butts on the sidewalk in my

Cigarette butts on my street

neighborhood? How come younger people, who now KNOW  smoking can give you cancer, continue to smoke? How come even though it is now widely KNOWN that smoking also has a negative impact on your sex life, some continue to smoke?

Bette Davis in ‘All About Eve’

 

When we were young and yes, my generation smoked, we were not

Lana Turner smoked in films

told smoking would cause health issues. We believed it would help with weight loss, so of course I, for one, smoked. Did I lose weight as a result? Definitely not. They also said it would reduce stress, the stars of the day all smoked in films — it seemed so sophisticated, sexy, and

Cary Grant smoked in films

appealing. Did it make me feel sophisticated? Sexy? Appealing? No…..

Due to poor blood flow to the penis, smoking causes erectile dysfunction and impotence, the severity of which is correlated to how many cigarettes you smoke. Women, we don’t get off the hook either, smoking causes all of us loss of sexual desire and arousal.

We already know smoking can give you lung cancer, affects your cardiovascular health, damages your arteries and restricts blood flow to various parts of your body. Smoking also ruins your teeth and skin. Need I go on?

Yes, I stopped smoking in my early thirties. It was so difficult, I quit only once, I’d never want to go through that again. In those days there was no help to get you through withdrawal and it was tough. I’m sure it is still awful. However, if you smoke and you don’t quit, you may smoke on our sidewalks and the butts will get wet when it rains and the water containing the poisonous chemicals from the butts will run down our drains into our waterways, and, and, and……

Think about it.

Hey, take care of yourself out there

photo by Susan Kauffmann

Hey everyone, I’ve already declared to anyone who will listen that I’ve ‘ordered’ a good year for all of us. Would the gods dare contradict me? Do help it happen — take care of yourself in 2016 because if you read this blog, I care about you.

Do I know anything about taking care of oneself? Not really, but there are others who do, so here’s some of what I’ve read. For even better ideas, see your own doctor, have regular check-ups and take your medications regularly.

When did you last see your doctor?

They suggest you grab your dog, a pal, or your sweetie (okay, even someone else’s sweetie??) and get out there. Moderate exercise, like steady walking for about 30 minutes is said to be enough if you do it regularly five times a week. While you are on the go, you can tell off-color jokes, discuss brilliant ideas, and gossip about the nasty neighbors.

guys need friends too

It is said women communicate more easily, but you fellows need companionship too. A friend to talk to is a good thing. If there isn’t one around, reach out and find somebody — you deserve it. The more satisfied you are with your life, the better.

Maintaining a decent weight has been a lifelong battle of mine, so I know

Oh, oh!

it ain’t easy. Nutritionists suggest we adopt healthy eating habits we can live with for life and avoid crash diets — easy for them to say. The Arthritis Society says the loss of only one pound is equal to about three/four pounds less stress on knee joints. Think about that. Lose five pounds and your knees consider it to be 15/20! Not bad….

Take a walk with some friends

If your doctor says you should lower your cholesterol, take his/her advice and do what you can to help things go in the right direction. Eat well and have fruits and vegetables every day — they’re good for you. And, should you, heaven forbid, be one of those few still smoking, this is a good time to quit. It’s a New Year. Breathing is important and smoking is a killer.

two each day

Now, not to ruin your fun altogether, but with alcohol, as with many things, moderation is the key. Apparently, if you keep it to two beers, or cocktails, or glasses of wine each day, that’s okay. (I didn’t make this up. It’s in the book.) Oh, and it means two in TOTAL per day, not two of each. Sorry about that. Besides, if you’re reading this, you matter a lot to me, so please don’t drink and drive.

However, all of this effort is wasted if you drive recklessly and don’t bother using your seat belt. Do mind the speed limit and buckle up.Too many drivers are still using cellphones in spite of all the accidents caused by this dangerous practice. But, you wouldn’t do that, would you? Am I beginning to sound like an old fuddy-duddy? Well, that’s what I am!

You don’t drive? Well, pedestrians concentrating on cellphones are in danger as well. Be safe, put it away. And, when you walk after dark, please avoid wearing black, it makes you hardly visible to drivers. (Nag, nag, nag…)

Surely, you get the general idea, don’t you? I want you to be safe and well this year.